Fat Proud Fag - My Grindr Experience

Every day I hear different members of the LGBTI+ community talk about the necessary intersectionality, solidarity and activism that will unite everyone who is different. But what about the LGBTI+ community itself? Is there a commonality there? My honest answer would be no. But I'm not going to talk about other people's identities, I'm going to talk about my own and what I experienced. My experience as a big, I'll say fat, gay man (hereafter referred to as fag) in the community of gay men is not at all desirable. Being rejected from the only community with which you can sympathize and feel that you should belong there leaves great scars on the soul, self-confidence and body. I've already said that my experience is not a fairy tale, but I think it's time to share it with everyone.

Fat fag? – A proud fat fag, actually

Before I continue to write, it is important for me to stop and explain why I use the words fat and fag. Yes, I'm fat and no that's not a bad word, it's a description of my body. The way I feel I should describe it here and now. It is actually wrong when we want to sound politically correct, so we say "obese person", because then we give a diagnosis that the doctor should determine and tell the person that they have a problem. The word "larger" is also ok with me, but somehow I want to give the word "fat" its space. On the other hand, the word "fag" is the only true Bosnian, our word for my sexual orientation. All the other variations we use from other languages ​​are fine with me, but fag is our word and somehow through my lyrics I want to bring it back to the community and give it its true meaning - fag - a man who loves men.

Why am I fat? - Well, while I was falling from Mars, I swallowed air!

Oh how many times I've been asked on Grindr why I'm fat or why I just don't lose weight. Before, out of great shame, I wrote: "Well, I'm trying, I'm doing exercises" and it was true, I was working and trying to lose weight so that others would like me. Then I found myself explaining to men (and when describing myself) that I was trying to lose weight or actively losing weight, instead of saying I was fat. Like it was a terribly dirty word that I had to avoid at all costs. Because yes, I had to, in this community I have to, if I admit that I'm fat and if I admit that I love my body then I'm the one who's messed up and I'm the one that absolutely no one wants. If you are still expecting an answer to the question why I am fat, then you have entered the wrong article...

You will never be able to find a guy LIKE THAT! - Thank God I didn't find you.

This is the line I got from a guy I refused to have sex with on the second date. Yes, when I decided that it was too early and that I needed more time to get to know each other, he made it very clear that no one would want me as a boyfriend, because I am "like that" and because everyone wants a guy that they can show to others. I asked him what he meant, I thought he was saying that I was too old-fashioned because I didn't want to have sex on the second date, but he very clearly answered that it was about my body size. Yes, very politically correct and avoiding the word "fat". He actually spoke one big truth, which is that gay men are heavily burdened with physical appearance (both personal and partner's), all out of a need for external validation. Let's face it, they should be burdened by their mental state. Having a super hot boyfriend that everyone admires is a kind of personal success, regardless of whether the relationship is toxic. However, having a fat guy who loves you unconditionally is less valuable.

STOP FATTIES – New traffic sign?

This is my favorite to see in a Grindr profile description. Come on, that says a lot about the person who wrote it, but it's a little pathetic. Well, it's not a traffic sign that will actually stop people, nor an algorithm that will do the filtering. What will happen to you - just you - if a fat man calls you? Will it kill your inflated self-confidence? Maybe then it's not inflated enough, or at least not in the right way.

Categorization as a problem – I'm being serious here

Now let's philosophize a little, it's time. Gay men are not only gay men, we are more divided than the country of Bosnia and Herzegovina. How? Well fine, first let's go to who is which sexual orientation (gay, bi, pan), what is our position in the sexual context, then we categorize ourselves against how we look, then how we behave and finally... There is no end my friend, because every difference is important, physical is number one and then we move on. Because why wouldn't we all separate? Why not have a label for every strand of hair on our bodies (or lack thereof)?

Self-identification – I love it!

Let's face it, I really like this term. I love the freedom and ability to identify and name how I feel, which is why it's great to have many different identities, but I'm not okay with someone else describing me because of how much hair I have, how much I weigh, or how I act. I'm not a shirt that needs a label. It was well said at Kvirhana in Tuzla, "Love has no label", but I wonder for whom it is true because the LGBTI+ community itself is extremely divided by the same labels.

You're lazy and that's fine with you - OK, OK

I have to mention this, I just can't let it go. Do you know how many times I've been told I'm lazy? Oh, if only I had saved 1 BAM every time, I would be a millionaire now. I'm not kidding, I've really been told that so many times. Don't judge a book by its cover before you read it. Fatness and laziness have nothing to do with a relationship, there is no real link, just the assumption that fat people don't do enough physical exercise or avoid it altogether. You don't know why I'm fat, you don't know if I exercise and you don't know how I exercise, so please keep your projection of laziness to yourself. But also a small note, it's okay to be lazy!

Shame as a weapon – it matters, for goodness sake

In our society, through different generations, we have learned to manipulate shame by instilling feelings of inferiority. So fat people are lazy and should be ashamed of themselves. They don't take care of themselves which is just a shame. On the other hand, being gay is a sin against God and we should be ashamed. If you go back a little further to the guy I didn't want to have sex with, his sentence was a clear attempt at manipulation. In fact, he tried to manipulate me with fear and shame into having sex with him, he managed to make it so that we don't meet for years to come, and he became one of the most hated beings in the world fro me; he didn't achieve what he wanted. However, those subtle and yet direct messages are uttered with the aim of control, manipulation and a means of changing us in some way.

A final note – I'm lying, this is the conclusion

I don't want to end my writing with all this darkness, my anger and frustration. For me, they are constant and I often wonder if I belong to this community. But the truth is that in my experience I have had many wonderful people who love me as I am - as I love myself. That I managed to have very nice love and romantic relationships with men, and that despite the great discrimination and inequality, you can find a partner when you are fat. I use a lot of sarcasm in the subtitle, but also throughout the text, so I hope you understand it. It's my way of fighting discrimination, but also a defense mechanism against the scars left in my core, because I'm still ashamed to take off my shirt in a room full of people even though I love my body.

For the real ending, I actually leave a message to you who entered the article, because maybe you are fat or simply look different than certain social norms require, so here it is: Please stay the way you are forever. You don't have to be in a mold and frame, breathe and live your freedom. Don't change for others, if you want to change (in any sense and form) then do it because you really want to, not to please others. Our bodies, our psyche, these are sacred things that we should protect and love in a special way. And don't forget that I love you, and that you always have someone to talk to. Contact TOC, I know they can help you because they helped me too!

This article was published with the support of the Irish Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade. The content of the article is the sole responsibility of the author and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Tuzla Open Centre or the Irish Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade, or the Irish Government.